Communicate

I Choose…

I Choose

I choose to be seen, heard, accepted, loved and chosen…I commit to do the same (coloured words, written on black background)

So, International Women’s Day has been and gone. Lots of articles and videos on great women leaders, carers, adventurers and survivors – which I didn’t read. Of the myriad offerings, I watched one video and read one article on domestic violence. I have a very few observations to share from that which I have either witnessed or experienced:

1. I agree with those who tell us that emotional, verbal, psychological and spiritual abuse, are abuse. Also that one or all of the above are pre-cursors to physical and sexual abuse.

2. I agree with health care professionals, researchers and survivors that violence of any kind, including those above which you may think aren’t really violence, escalates without intervention and doesn’t ever get better by itself. (For Christians reading this, a ‘God moment’ is intervention…by God!)

3. Domestic violence isn’t just from spouses (of whatever genre you have) or parents of children and teens. Extended family, their friends and parents of adults abuse too, that includes emotional and verbal.

4. Both spouses can be abusing each other, including physically – and both are abusers, and both are victims. Look up co-dependancy.

5. Emotional and psychological abuse of woman over man, is abuse.

And finally a few insights from Brene BrownDaring Greatly – How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent and lead.

When shame becomes a management style, engagement dies.

Vulnerability is based on mutuality and requires boundaries and trust.

Vulnerability is about sharing our feelings and our experiences with people who have earned the right to hear them.

Vulnerability without boundaries leads to disconnection, distrust and disengagement.

We need to feel trust to be vulnerable and we need to be vulnerable in order to trust.

The result of this mutually respectful vulnerability is increased connection, trust, and engagement.

Thanks for your time.

 

The Family’s Experience – For the Educator and Professional

Paper presented at SPEVI 2015

Gina Schmidt

 

 

Smidkids

 

Reading of  “The Seed”

 

Today I have two observations I’d like to highlight.

Perhaps more by way of reminder than anything else, or maybe things you hadn’t considered yet.

 

Both observations I’d like to share relate to our tendency to forget, or at least relegate to the back blocks of our mind the understanding we may already have of our diversity, individuality and uniqueness – both personally, as families, cultures, and communities.

 

One of the most precious, and most threatening aspects of the family’s experience can be the medical and educational professionals’ involvement in our lives.

Sometimes the diagnosis you give, or the therapy you prescribe, or the new way of modeling and teaching you offer is the greatest relief, or hope, or validation for us.

Other times, these things cast us off into grief, or despair, guilt and/or isolation. Hopefully our journey involves some experience of all of these things, which would be considered ‘normal’.

From now on, you are part of our lives and our families. We may come to your office, but often you enter our homes. You observe us as we interact, play, eat, walk, read, cook…I could go on. Because our interactions are connected with many intimacies, as well as general functions of life, we may become close.

Alternatively, we may feel you’re more a part of our family than you do. Or you may feel more a part of our family than we feel you are.

We need to help each other understand what the nature of our relationship needs to be.

We need you to remember that we are a family, as you have your own family. Sometimes we need you to remind us that you contribute to our family, but we are unique and will determine our own family’s path.

 

 

I have experienced both. A very close and personal relationship with professionals built over time and three children. Also the intrusion of some; presuming positions and responsibilities within our family which were not offered, nor welcome, nor helpful.

The latter can be confusing for our children and blur the lines between roles and to whom our children are accountable. The former can be a beautiful collaboration of security, fostering growth and confidence in families – also a tangible illustration of the popular African proverb, “It takes a village to raise a child.”

 

 

My second observation is something we usually associate with those outside of the disability or, specifically this week, the vision impairment community.

 

We all hold to particular biases or preferences. Some biases are unhealthy because they are hurtful and damaging to someone else or ourselves. They may stem from false assumptions as opposed to being informed. Others though, are differences because each of us is unique, and each of our families, cultures and communities are unique.

There are choices we can make in relation to developing our young people or in maintaining the life choice of an adult with a vision impairment, and they are just that – choices.

Choices about the medical procedures we will, or will not embrace.

Choices about learning grade 1 or 2 Braille first off.

Choices about handling reactions to sensory stimulation, or lack thereof.

…toilet training, private or public schools, which piece or brand of technology best suits, city or country…

The list is endless!

I’ve learned that you all have your preferences, as do I. As does each individual, family and professional here.

Helping us to be informed but not overloaded would be the greatest gift of service you could offer us. Perhaps let us know the options, maybe another we can ask. Then help us follow up on the thing that interests us most. You never know, we may end up with the same preferences as you.

 

I’ve noticed that smaller communities are often a reflection of the broader community or culture, but the smaller may influence and therefore be reflected in the broader instead.

Looking forward to our little community being a positive influence in the broader community at large.

 

Let me finish by reading the end of the story, “The Seed,” to you again.

 

…As each one stepped back, and observed the tender plant, they were able to recognize what its needs might be. In turn they also enquired each of the other, to learn from observations they may not have recognized, or had prior knowledge of, to have even been considered.

Most importantly…

…as a team in constant communication , those employed for service to the growth of the new plant – in fact to service of the plant itself – began to listen for, and hear what the little plant was telling them. They heard and could see when the plant needed moisture, or sunlight, or protection, or space; because they were attending to the needs of the seed, instead of what they wanted to give or to do.

 

The little plant grew tall, and strong, and was borne of new seed, so that more plants could grow, providing clean air, and beauty to enjoy.

 

The workers and the sower lived with much joy, and with a profound, and unfathomable sense of accomplishment, as they witnessed the growth, and maturity, and provision, and beauty of the little seed, which became great.

 

 

International Day Of People With A Disability

Please

Please don’t make uninformed assumptions about my needs or requirements.

My peers and I will learn prejudice from good-intentioned ignorance.

 

Please don’t demand my independence without teaching it.

My peers and I will learn dis-ability.

 

Please don’t demand I ask for or receive help at your demand.

My peers and I will learn that I’ve no right to my own life and choices.

 

Please don’t decide my contribution based on your time constraints, energy level, prejudices, fears, and assumptions.

My peers and I will learn my only right is to live by another’s leave.

 

Please don’t decide what provision you can offer me after the funding’s been spent on everyone else’s needs first.

My peers and I will learn that my needs are wants, and not necessity.

 

Please don’t decide to ‘do for me’ what would make you feel good, important, needed, helpful.

My peers and I will learn that how you make me feel is irrelevant.

 


 

Please ask me what my needs or requirements are, or someone who has already found out what my needs are.

You can then meet the ones you are equipped and/or employed to.

 

Please ask me what independence means to me, or someone who has already found out what independence could mean and how it can be achieved for me.

You can then make informed choices about teaching it.

 

Please ask if I want/need help, and what help that might be.

You can then ‘help’ instead of hinder me.

 

Please ask me what contribution I would like to make.

You and I together can then negotiate and problem-solve our mutual contributions.

 

Please ask yourself and/or us all how our funds will best meet the needs of the group, school, community, family, country…

You and I will then each be acknowledging and meeting each other’s needs.

 

Please ask me how I feel.

You may develop:

empathy more so than sympathy

compassion more so than frustration

growth more so than ignorance

community more so than isolation

 

3/12/2014

Sibling Issues

So, all of my three children are blind. Are there sibling issues? Yes, but not the kind that families experiencing disabilities usually have.

Let me explain.

Number two and number three were reminiscing about each time someone’s fingers or feet were jammed in a car door. I added the time I jammed number one’s hand in the hatch door of a new vehicle. I have heard them ask each other to look at something (when they were quite young), expecting the other to see it as a sighted adult in their world would – without hands.

Our issues involved teaching them that, though they could request sighted assistance from their parents, they could not expect the same from their siblings. It may have been insensitive for a sighted person not to inform them that they were closing a car door, but it was insensitive of each of them not to warn each other of the same.

So much is learned by observation, and we are inclined to presume things will be learned automatically.

There are some who don’t get the opportunity to observe much to learn from (or what has been observed is unhealthy or inappropriate).

Teaching, though, doesn’t have to be a complex lesson. It may come in the form of conversation, a shared task, verbal guidance through an experience. Some need this into adulthood because they missed out on it while maturing, others may always need some form of guided instruction, even if just verbal or hands-on information. Not because they’re unable or unwilling to learn, but because the way the world, or me, or you, or we teach and model doesn’t fit with how the other is geared to learn.

Of course, as my children have grown to be young adults (with a much broader knowledge base than as little ones), it’s difficult to ‘switch off’ the teaching talk. Much to their chagrin and/or frustration. Sorry kids!

Adversity, What’s yours?

My middle and third children have a friend who has included a quote with her photo online. The quote is by Neil Marcus…

Disability is not a brave struggle or courage in the face of adversity. Disability is an art.

Now, I’ve not yet met a person who has a ‘disability’ and loves to be told that they’re amazing or brave or special or beautiful or clever or…because they can’t do some of the things someone else can. I am a parent who doesn’t really get much of a boost from being told I’m great at it just because I happen to have children who can’t see, especially by strangers. Having said that, if a person who has lived with me in some form of close relationship and/or observed my parenting as it occurs, and then says that it’s great, I may be a little chuffed. My children, likewise, will be encouraged by acknowledgement of their work and achievements; but if all the speaker knows of them is that they exist but can’t see…not much to be enraptured with there.

My children don’t see being blind as an adversity. I don’t see having children who are blind as being an adversity. In my case of course, it was not what I had imagined or knew much about, but my children have never known any different. So, what is adversity? My dictionary search suggests that the origins of the word (from French and Latin) meant to turn towards, be opposite (adverse) and the like. Being a person who can’t see or having children who can’t see isn’t adverse to us, opposing us, turning towards us; it is how we are, how it is, the direction we are travelling already.

So, what is our/my adversity?

I remember some years ago talking to a friend who gets around in a wheelchair. I was discussing with her the fact that the hazard and directional tiles that are installed to encourage independent travel (and possibly more safe travel) for those who are blind are often not placed correctly as those installing them don’t realise there is a particular way they are used, and don’t seek to be informed. During the course of the conversation though, she mentioned that they are often a risk to her as she can be thrown from her chair as she travels over them (like corrugation on a gravel road, I imagine!). I was sharing my new learning about her sometime-experience-in-life when child number one mentioned that the phone boxes installed to encourage independent use of a public phone for chair users can be a hazard for those who use a cane, as they don’t reach the ground where the tip is (bump of head, shoulder, face). What do I see in these things? Environmental and societal adversity or disability.

Similar adversity occurs in the school ground, within the education ‘system’ (teaching method, delivery, reception and learning difference, work production, submission method etc.); in the health and medical environment; in the myriad sporting genres. I guess I needn’t go on.

In all honesty, my adversity is those who see me as their adversity! And I am the adversity that someone else faces.

Realising who we are averse to and who is averse to us, or realising what is adverse to us or another is not enough though. If, in adversity, we (person, family, culture, environment, system…) only recognise that we are in a ‘face-off’, we may do battle; we may control/conform; we may add programs, equipment, beliefs etc. to others, compounding responsibility and requirements. Alternatively, if after recognising that we’re facing adversity we communicate our desires and needs and goals and experience and expertise each with the other, perhaps we can unlock a new pathway we walk together, facing the same direction. Not turned toward each other in opposition, but together turned toward a common goal, destination; an agreed path; by a new or negotiated and amalgamated system.

I think that I’m not opposed to adversity, mine or yours (but I don’t like it!). I am opposed to remaining averse to each other on all things. If we must walk or desire to walk together, we will most likely need a new mode of walking and possibly a new route or even goal to walk along and towards. Continuing along our familiar but separate paths, in our familiar but separate ways, attempting to impose these ways and paths onto those we are averse to will exacerbate not relieve adversity.

We each have adversities in life. Perhaps the question is not what they are so much as what will I do when they are revealed. Am I a heel-digger or a malleable, teachable listener and adapter and path-turner? Independently individualistic or a community-minded team player.

Permanent and persistent adversity may not live well in community, but it can be a trigger for turning towards it.

 

The Seed

A seed was planted in good soil, unseen by anyone, in a personal act of love by one who desired to watch it grow and flourish and become what it was designed and planted to be.

The seed began to shoot and sprout up through the soil that had been prepared by the sower.

The sower then employed a variety of people to feed and nurture and protect and make space for the seed. The seed, once dead, now alive with fresh green growth, full of vibrancy and enthusiasm to become and produce all it was designed and destined to be.

 

The bank manager knew that growth comes from financial investment. So he surrounded and covered the small green shoots with money. But the sun could not break through to give the shoots the vital nourishment they required to continue to grow.

The librarian knew that growth comes from reading and gaining new information. She loved books of good quality so she surrounded and covered the small green shoots and the money with fine leather-bound books full of knowledge. But the rain could not penetrate the beautiful leather to moisten the good soil and nourish the seed with its roots beneath the surface, which was necessary for its growth.

The vermin controller knew that growth comes when protected from predators. So he covered the small green shoots and the money and the books with wire and a baited wooden trap to keep at bay and catch any that would come to devour the shoots or dig up the seed before it could grow to maturity. But the shoots were smothered and had no space to feed and grow.

The agronomist knew that growth comes with the absence of weeds. So she sprayed over the small green shoots and the money and the books and the wire and wooden traps. But the good soil became poisoned and made the roots and shoots sick.

 

And beneath all the good intentions, the new plant began to wither.

 

The sower was watching the seed he planted and those he employed to feed and nurture and protect and make space for the seed to grow…

…and his heart was breaking.

The sower had prepared the soil, the space, and the nourishment for the seed to grow to maturity as it was designed to, but chose to share the joy and fulfillment of contributing to its growth with others.

 

The sower called together the bank manager, the librarian, the vermin controller and the agronomist to discuss the withering of the plant.

To the bank manager, the sower explained the need for sunlight to reach the shoots to nourish them. Though he meant well, the new plant was malnourished.

To the librarian, the sower explained that the beautiful books prevented the rain from moistening the soil. Though she meant well, the new plant was dying of thirst.

To the vermin controller, the sower explained that the protective measures were smothering the plant. Though he meant well, the new plant was suffocating.

To the agronomist, the sower explained that poisoning the weeds in turn poisoned the soil in which the seed was planted. Though she meant well, the new plant was sick with poison.

 

“I chose each of you for the good you might contribute to the growth of this seed I have planted. But you have each been working independently instead of interdependently. The librarian can contribute to an informed approach to vermin and weed control, plant and soil nourishment. The bank manager can contribute to financial provision and management for this education and the necessary resources. The vermin controller and agronomist can use their new education and resources to promote the plant’s growth instead of its demise.”

 

As each one stepped back and observed the tender plant, they were able to recognize what its needs might be. In turn they also enquired each of the other to learn from observations they may not have recognized, or had prior knowledge of to have even been considered.

Most importantly…

…as a team in constant communication , those employed for service to the growth of the new plant – in fact to service of the plant itself – began to listen for and hear what the little plant was telling them. They heard and could see when the plant needed moisture, or sunlight or protection or space; because they were attending to the needs of the seed instead of what they wanted to give or to do.

 

The little plant grew tall and strong and was borne of new seed so that more plants could grow, providing clean air and beauty to enjoy.

 

The workers and the sower lived with much joy and with a profound and unfathomable sense of accomplishment as they witnessed the growth, and maturity, and provision, and beauty of the little seed, which became great.

 

Gina Schmidt 26/6/2014

Holistic Medical and Educational Practice

From a Facebook post of Stuart McDonald, Exercise Physiologist :

…when a person comes to you, you are not treating depression or addiction or mania, nor are you treating a broken leg, a broken marriage or a ligament injury. You are working with a person – a full, embodied, thinking, feeling, well-stocked-with-resources person who will most likely see things differently – and who knows what that means or what they need to see? – just because they have come to be with you for a while.

The rigidity and the harm that this rigidity does to patients concerns me greatly. Locking them into a diagnosis, branding them as this or that, being certain that if there are these symptoms or those then it must mean that such and such an outcome is the only likely – or even possible – one.

The greatest of my clinical teachers (Daryl Hobbs, Anthony Lett, Peter Thorneycroft, David Wilson) have shown me the wondrous world of grey and multicolour. The world of waiting without assumption and watching with curiosity as to how this experience may play out in their life today. Or tomorrow. Or maybe last Tuesday.

There is a need for concrete – and there is a need to dance in the leaves once the concrete is set.

The same could be said of education. Unfortunately ‘blanket’ systems appear to be the most efficient, but usually don’t attend the whole therefore making the efficiency only an illusion.